FUNemployment

Right before Christmas I decided to take a leap of faith and jumped head first back into unemployment. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I think I aged about 10 years in the process. I took a small breather at home for the weekend, but have remained busy this week with a reunion with a friend from China and a 2-part interview (second part tomorrow) and unrelenting cough that seems to be sucking the life out of me.

The more I think about everything that's happened and what I've been thinking about the last few weeks, this whole thing has been more of a leap "INTO" faith than "of". Something about what I believed and loved is slowly shifting back, but I'm still trying to find the words to describe it.... welp, next blog! :)

Welcome back FUNemployment!

Inspirational Song of the Month

This song was featured in Morning Glory (seen with the glorious, Emily Y.) and it's been a great help in keeping the hopes high recently.

Driver Reads Braille

As I was driving today in Ballard, I was behind a car that had a license plate frame that said "Driver Reads Braille."

The first thought in my head was, "CAN the driver read braille or do they HAVE to read braille?" These are two very different things. I started getting nervous as we inched at 3mph along NW 56th Street and was quickly realizing that it was probably the latter.

As we came to the 4-way stop by the library, I maneuvered around the woman and saw that she had on HUGE, thick sunglasses that were obviously prescriptions. I am all for equal opportunity, but I think for driving there's a certain issue of safety involved. I also think you might have to see the road (and other drivers) for the most part...

I realize this blog might come off as highly insensitive. I'm sorry. I guess if the DMV thought she was fit to drive, then she should be fine! (Right?) Right.

Recent Thoughts

Over the last week I have found these 2 quotes popping up almost every other thought. Yes, they come from movies. (Yes, one of them is a cartoon BUT is probably one of the most heartwarming cartoon movies ever. This makes it okay.)

"Adventure is out there!" - Up

and...

"Get busy living or get busy dying." -Shawshank Redemption

A few days ago, Seattle experienced an intense snowing that basically shut down the city. I braved the roads in my little Volvo from California during some of the worst parts, a roommate and I sled down a hill on trash can lids, and for the first time in awhile I felt like life wasn't flying by. 

Today I fully realized that it is November 26th, 2010. The day after Thanksgiving. The end of November. What happened to summer and fall? What happened to all the days and weeks that literally just passed me by? I have never felt so boring in my life. While there have been some definite memories over the last 6 months, a lot of it has been utterly forgettable. 

It's time for a life change. It's time to "get busy living or get busy dying." "Adventure is out there" and I'm ready to start going for it. I'm usually full of more ambition and drive and it's time to start going for it again. What "it" is, is another question/blog entirely. However, I'm ready to start living the moments and experiences of life. Who's with me?

Highlights from the new J-O-B

One of my favorite ways to debrief things (via SPRINT core) is "high/low." Soooo let's go!

Lows (always start with low to end with a high!)

• Kids
• Angry parents
• Screaming dads
• The privilege and entitlement others feel/express
• Office dynamics- this isn't necessarily a low, but more of a weird/interesting culture I'm learning about/becoming part of
• Early Saturday mornings
• Spending 8 hours in a 32 degree hangar 

Highs

• Kids (love 'em and hate 'em)
• Amazing staff person.
• Mojo. The name of a girl in a class I shadowed. Met her sister, Pino, last week.
• Patient, understanding parents that don't blame you for things out of your control
• Basically being paid to exercise
• Being paid.

Questions

Recently I've been questioning to the core (as a friend put it) what I actually believe and have faith in. It's been something that's been growing since probably this summer if I'm honest.

To give some context, I've always considered myself a Christian. I grew up in the church and really decided in high school that this was what I believed and wanted in my life. In college I grew more passionate about it all when I realized what a fighter for social justice JC really was (unlike many of His followers).

Then came life out of SPU. The unforced Christian community that was sparse and far between. Then there were coworkers and new friends who had no Christian foundation and were doing just fine. There were friends that didn't go to church but maybe still believed. There were articles and videos and news bites that displayed the ugly side of Christianity/the Church. There were friends who just came to faith and spouted off extremely Evangelical language and thoughts that were overwhelming to someone who was so hurt by the church throughout high school. There's the fear of what happens if I don't believe, but should that be the only thing keeping me in faith? There were the problems and brokenness in my communities of work, home, and in my own life and God seemed to have little hand in helping those things. And supposedly the brokenness is all humans' fault?

Then I broke. Last week I finally broke down and thought about and verbalized these feelings for the first time. And it came down to finally wondering...

Is this real?

If the Gospel is supposed to be this freeing thing, why do I constantly feel so trapped? Why do I feel so sickened by the people who are supposed to be part of this larger "family"? If I believe in this God, do I have to be part of that community? Do I have to speak in that language and adapt to that culture?

It's really overwhelming at times. In the last couple weeks I have felt mostly burdened by these thoughts. I'm stuck staring down the crossroads waiting for something to happen to make my decision for me.  For over 20 years I've believed in this and I'm not sure what it looks like to give it up fully.... On the flip side, if I decide this is real then what does that look like because I should probably be more committed this time around...

So many questions...

2 Random Sightings on the Road

During the last couple of weeks I have encountered quite a few sights along the road of Seattle. My two favorite are below...

• In the car behind me I observed a man playing with his dentures kind of like this (but not as a dog of course): 

He just kept taking them in and out halfway while we were stopped at a stoplight.

• A man that was riding one bike while carrying a whole other bike on his shoulder. I guess this might not be weird in Seattle, but being the unmotivated athletic person that I am I was impressed.

Fly Away Home

I spent most of my time today either inside an airport (SEA, LAS, or SNA) or onboard a Southwest plane. I have always loved traveling, especially at airports where I love to just observe (and judge) my fellow travelers. Today’s experiences top some of the best airport times. The funniest things were said, eaten, read, seen, done…Ever. Below are some of the more epic parts from my journey. Enjoy!

• Pre-Airport: Today marks my parent’s 26th wedding anniversary and so being the kind-hearted daughter I am I purchased a bouquet of flowers for them at Pike’s at 8 am (talk about dedication). I asked one of the lovely women to make me a special bouquet for about $15 while I went to go pull out some cash. When I returned she had made the LARGEST bouquet of flowers that I have ever purchased. They literally took up the entire front seat of my car. When I explained I had to take them on an airplane, she said, “Oh, that’s fine! I will just wrap them extra special for you so they last until California!”
•  When my good friend, Alida, dropped me off at the airport, I texted her and asked if she had accidentally dropped me off at a senior center instead of the airport. I looked around and there was not one person under the age of 60. Note to self: 10 am on Wednesdays at SeaTac will have the same demographic as Denny’s during the early bird special.
• My flight had one stop and one layover. Our stop was in Reno, NV. When everyone that “needed” to get to Reno got off, I got up to use the restroom. There was one lady in line in front of me, and she said someone was inside already. They were taking forever so the lady went to the front of the plane. After she left, I saw that the door said, “occupied” but it was slightly open. I decided to open the door just to double check. Bad idea. There was a woman standing up, pants down, on her cell phone. I quickly shut the door. 5 minutes later and with four people in line behind me, the lady stumbles out the door horribly drunk, falls onto me and says, “I had the HARDEST time peeing in there!” I helped her stand back up and walked in the restroom only to see the floor covered in liquid. As I carefully tried to step around it, I finished quickly and went out to tell the stewardess. She seemed confused when I said that the woman might have “had an accident” because apparently the woman had also vomited on her way off the plane as well. Classy.
• A woman asked the stewardess if there was a way to charge her DVD player for her 3-year-old daughter. After the stewardess patiently said no, the woman pleaded for a plug-in because her DVD player was dead. No, ma'am there are not plug-ins on the airplane. When has there ever been plug-ins onboard a plane?
• Found out Burger King has a veggie burger. Not too bad.
• Throughout the day I got comments about the huge bouquet I was carrying around. My favorite comment/question was from an older woman working at Burger King- “Oh, did you just get married?” Yes, I just got married and decided to walk around the Vegas airport by myself with a huge-ass bouquet of flowers. 
• As I sat in my seat while people boarded the plane in Reno, a man sat down next to me when he saw the flowers and said, "I think this will be the best smelling seat on the plane!"
• I started to type up this blog in Terminal B in the Vegas airport when all of a sudden a bird flew right in front of me. A bird. In the middle of Terminal B in the Vegas airport. I looked up and there were 4 more sitting on top of a closed windowsill INSIDE the airport. w.t.f.

I left for the airport at 10am and finally arrived at my house (after dinner) at 8pm. What a day...

Soul Crusher #6

During our time to share inspiring stories, I was paired with my 85 year old admin assistant. I asked him if he had any inspiring stories from the week.
Him in his french, Yoda-like voice: "Nothing is inspiring to me. Everything is just normal."

Then after a few moments of silence he turns to me and says:
"You are very abnormal... (at this point my coworkers turn to hear the conversation) 
Your face...
is...
beautiful."

Coffee blog...

Follow my brother and his escapades as a novice coffee critic!

http://coffeeexploits.wordpress.com/

Sports Goals for the Year

Games to watch live:

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Huskies Football
3. Huskies Men's Basketball (already saw women's)

3 Places to Go This Year

1. San Francisco (to be checked-off in t-minus 11 days)

2. Denver, Colorado

3. Bulgaria

Vacation

In little less than a month, I will take my first vacation away from Seattle and Orange County in over.... well, more than a few years. I am beyond excited.

And I am going to.... (drumroll please)....

San Francisco!

ftw.

Last night's dinner consisted of a maple bar and strawberry chocolate shortcake.

Tonight... taco bell at midnight.

FTW!

Glimpses of happiness

Today I had a glimpse of my appreciation for... everything. I live an amazing life. I have wonderful friends and roommates. I know really cool people in general. I live in a beautiful city with indescribable vibrancy. I have a job that I wasn't used to at first, but am slowly growing to appreciate and, dare I say, love? Today was a glimpse through a window that has stayed fogged up with negativity for way too long.

Cool Bumper Sticker

Saw this when I was grocery shopping today:

"it will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."

Soul Crusher #6

Little "Johnny" during make your own pizza day:

"I was tricky. I put only things you would find in a taco on my pizza so that I could fold it and make it a taco. hahahaha."


Wow. So tricky.

Continue Searching...

"I convinced myself for so long that I wanted other things but now that I've found what I really want and what makes me happy, it's all I can think about and strive for...And even if I lose this, I know it's all I can continue to search for."

Soul Crusher #5

9-year-old Manny talking about "Free Choice" day. The choice between going outside or staying in.

'Manny': Miss Klarrisa, the girls are just going to want to stay inside. I wish they wouldn't come.
Me: I'm a girl and I want to go outside.
'Manny': But you're a WOMAN.

Later 'Manny' and 'Johnny' whining again later...
Both: boooo we want to go outside. girls hate dodgeball and going outside. they hate us
Me: Again, I'm a girl and I like dodgeball and going outside. And I think you two are great... when you're not whining to me.
Both: But you're a WOMAN.

1. Apparently I need reminders that I'm a woman. :)
2. Apparently girls hate things like going outside and playing sports, but women are fine with it. hmmmm

Humor

"Humor is the foundation of reconciliation."

- St. Francis de Sales, quoted in the sermon, "Giving Up Piety for Lent" by Rev. Richard Charles Wrede of Christ Episcopal Church in Riverton, New Jersey. (Source: Tower Bell)

It was the first time...

Oh, it was the first time I fell in love
The first time I felt my heart
It was the first time I sang out loud all through the night
But before I knew I was lost
Before I knew I was a prisoner
And I still can't find a way to make it right...

- "Before I Knew" by Basia Bulat

Would you like fries with that?

Sometimes I can be super awkward, but it always makes for an interesting story...

Tonight going through the drive thru at Wendy's with a friend:

Worker: What would you like?

Me: I'll have a Jr. Cheeseburger with just cheese and ketchup... and of course the beef part too!

Worker: ....ok.....wait, WHAT? what about beef?

Me: oh, umm nothing! just a lame joke!

Worker: oh. anything else?

ugh. maybe you had to be there.

Cheesy 90's Pop Bands and Summer

Today I listened to the Goo Goo Dolls Pandora station at work and was instantly transported to summers spent working by the resort pool in Arizona....Besides the 500 lbs. towel carts and the gross trash and excrement that we were constantly cleaning... there were definitely some great memories...

-Catching bees in our water cups

-Getting pushed into the lazy river, constantly

-Drinking 3 pitchers of water within 2 hours and never going to the bathroom

-Summer lovin'

-Late evening thunderstorms

-Lighting the fire pit and almost blowing up the back island

-Staring off into the water while listening to hits from the Goo Goo Dolls play over and over and over and over again...

Good times. Isn't it funny what images and memories music can bring up?

And for your listening pleasure, one of my many personal favs:

"Broadway" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Writing

Writing in college seems like a dream now. I remember hating it and procrastinating until the very last minute, but...why? It's easy now to look back at paper writing and think about how silly it was to stress over them. Who does the final outcome of that paper really effect? Me and only me. hmm. At the end you even get a little prize (or punishment) for your hard work.

Real life reports and papers on the other hand make me want to vomit. Now, the report doesn't reflect just me, it reflects the programs, the organization, and the people/clients you are serving. Now, not only do you get positive or negative feedback, but it could also determine whether someone loans you money for your business or invests in your non-profit. Being the retrospective person that I am, now I wish I had taken more time and effort to write my papers ahead of time and get feedback from mentors and professors. I wish that I had put more into those things so that the now wouldn't be so hard.

Writing actually used to be really enjoyable. When did it go from enjoyable to dreadful? I have no idea...

Just a thought to share...

"As a rule, when we are suffering, we are so focused on ourselves, we have no time for others."  -mother teresa

hope.

Life is what you make of it

I once read a quote in one of my high school classrooms that said, "Life is what you make of it." For me, high school was one of the lowest points in life. Seeing that quote really made me evaluate the decisions I was making that made life so unhappy for me at the time. Since that point I have continued to live my life by that quote. When things are going wrong or people get on my nerves, I always just change my perspective. Whether that means pushing things away or trying harder to see a different perspective, I usually end up more content with life after that. Until now.

I have been continually writing and thinking about this search for joy. And I am continually trying to make life what I want it to be. There are two problems with this. One small thing being that I don't know what I want my life to look like. I had always pictured myself living a very nice, comfortable life until about 2-3 years ago. Now, while I think that is a great option, I don't know if I could live in the kind of comfort I have always thought of when others don't have the same options. But that's a whole other blog. :)

The biggest problem that is turning up with that quote is the word, "you." I am so focused on what I am making of my life that there is no room for what others in my communities or, most importantly, what God wants to make of my life. I really hate being cheesy and cliche about faith and those kinds of things. However, in this case, I really feel inadequate to change my view of what life is right now to me. I need help, and I can't keep turning to myself or even just my friends. For me, there is something greater and too often I fail to see that.

So maybe life is not what you make of it, it is what God makes of it? ...Or better yet, what you and Him make of it together. oh that mix of free will and predestination. (Now that is the beginning of another blog if I ever saw one...)

Good night!

Combining Loves to Create Joy

The title of this blog basically says it all. I'm trying to work on taking things that I love or am good at and combining it with my job (which is still not a love but we're getting there). I practiced that today and it turned out well. I can't wait to get more creative and explore ways to make life more enjoyable in general. That will be nice. :) It may involve being less involved in some areas of life and more involved with others. I don't know how I feel about that yet, but we'll see how it goes.

Gong Hai Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Confidence.

What I am practicing now is confidence. I realize that when my voice wavers for even a split second, the kids are able to pick up on that. It's hard for me because I've been trying to step back from being over confident about things for awhile now. It's going to take a lot of practice but it's finally working. 

Soul Crusher #4

"Thank you." -3rd grader in my program


Who knew those two words could almost bring me to tears of joy for the first time in weeks?

Soul Crushers #2&3

Today I visited the after school program run by the Chinese Information Service Center (CISC). There I met one of the cutest little boys EVER. His name was William and he had some precious things to say to me. They crushed my soul but in a very adorable way.

William: "When did you first have this kind of candy?"
Me: "When I was probably 3 or 4 years old. It was a long time ago... I'm kind of old."
William: "I know."
(I had just met him 2 minutes prior to this conversation)

Me: "What are you working on?"
William: "I'm writing a story. Did you know that when I grow up I am going to be an author?"
Me: "Really?? That is so cool! Have you written any books yet?"
William: "No, I'm not grown up yet."
Me: "But I bet you could write a short book, right?"
William: "No, I have to wait until I'm older."

Too cute for words. I now realize that kids can be really great. The kids in my program and I are still working on that.... :)

Passion and Procrastination

As I sit here, I should be writing a grant and not writing a blog post. Boo.

But I have some questions about passion:

- How do we find our passions?
- Why are we passionate about more things than others?
- What am I passionate about?
- When will I find something that I can be truly passionate about for more than 6 months? (or such short little periods of time)

Today I was asked to remember why I took my position with Americorps. I remember that it came from my passion to work within the city of Seattle. I wanted to work with youth... what's wrong with what I'm doing now then? How did I lose the passion to do those things?

Life right now seems a little too overwhelming to be real. I keep trying to get through each week. It's weird to think that when I used to be stressed, I would just try to get through the days. Now it's weeks? Like right now, I can't wait for the next 2 weeks to be over. After that, I have a small break until I need to be done with 3 more weeks and then I'll need to get past 3 months. This year is going to fly by and I won't have a chance to enjoy things at all? That is the most depressing feeling. How do I make this more enjoyable? I am continually searching with no answers. It's this constant sinking feeling. And it sucks.

I feel like the last few blogs have been kind of downers. I will try to find more hope in the coming weeks... that will be the goal even if things at work don't change.

Soul Crusher #1

Bill Cosby once (or probably thousands of times) said that "kids say the darndest things." I would agree with that, but would also add that kids say things that generally crush your soul a little bit as well. While I genuinely love the kids I work with, they honestly say some pretty funny/sassy/utterly mean things. Here is one of many to come...

After asking "Johnny" to sit in the back until he was ready to come do his homework, he sat there grumbling to himself. At one point he says, "Just because you don't have a boyfriend and have to be here, doesn't mean I have to be here."

Thank you "Johnny." Apparently a person's eternal punishment for being single is to become an after school program coordinator for small children.

The search for joy-filled experiences

Last night I had the pleasure of accompanying some theatre people out after their call backs for a play they were all auditioning for. As I sat there, they all chatted away about the different stresses and concerns that were brought up by the auditions. They kept apologizing to me for going on about it, and asked if I thought they were crazy for putting themselves through this.

And I said no.

No because even though it brings them the most heartache right now- in the end when things do come together for this play or another play, they experience great joy in what they did and are doing with their lives.

It made me think of the last time that happened for me. Has there been an event during my year of service so far that has brought me as much joy as say... an event that I did with SPRINT core last year? While I have been very focused on creating small moments of joy in my job for myself, I am now looking at the experience of these theatre students and my past experiences and wondering when what I am doing will bring me that kind of joy and fulfillment again. Again, I am steadily finding more joy in my job, but I just don't know if it's the kind of overfilling joy that I've experienced in the past and that's what keeps me searching.

Blessed?

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.


You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.


You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.


You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.


You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.


You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.


-JC, The Message

Doing More, Buying Less

More on this in a little bit...but for now. I encourage you to read this article: "In Recession, Americans Doing More, Buying Less"

I’m trying to teach the kids that you don’t need to have expensive toys to have fun. You can make it fun, from anything.

- Igor Montoya, of Miami, on the growing trend to buy less and spend more time with family and friends, gardening, cooking, reading and other hobbies, along with volunteering for civic and religious activities. (Source: The New York Times)

Life on hold until January...

I put off the "What are you doing next year?" question until January... and it is now January 3rd- exactly 8 months until my term is over... hmmm

Thoughts? Anyone?