Questions

Recently I've been questioning to the core (as a friend put it) what I actually believe and have faith in. It's been something that's been growing since probably this summer if I'm honest.

To give some context, I've always considered myself a Christian. I grew up in the church and really decided in high school that this was what I believed and wanted in my life. In college I grew more passionate about it all when I realized what a fighter for social justice JC really was (unlike many of His followers).

Then came life out of SPU. The unforced Christian community that was sparse and far between. Then there were coworkers and new friends who had no Christian foundation and were doing just fine. There were friends that didn't go to church but maybe still believed. There were articles and videos and news bites that displayed the ugly side of Christianity/the Church. There were friends who just came to faith and spouted off extremely Evangelical language and thoughts that were overwhelming to someone who was so hurt by the church throughout high school. There's the fear of what happens if I don't believe, but should that be the only thing keeping me in faith? There were the problems and brokenness in my communities of work, home, and in my own life and God seemed to have little hand in helping those things. And supposedly the brokenness is all humans' fault?

Then I broke. Last week I finally broke down and thought about and verbalized these feelings for the first time. And it came down to finally wondering...

Is this real?

If the Gospel is supposed to be this freeing thing, why do I constantly feel so trapped? Why do I feel so sickened by the people who are supposed to be part of this larger "family"? If I believe in this God, do I have to be part of that community? Do I have to speak in that language and adapt to that culture?

It's really overwhelming at times. In the last couple weeks I have felt mostly burdened by these thoughts. I'm stuck staring down the crossroads waiting for something to happen to make my decision for me.  For over 20 years I've believed in this and I'm not sure what it looks like to give it up fully.... On the flip side, if I decide this is real then what does that look like because I should probably be more committed this time around...

So many questions...