What about the Love?

A few months ago I wrote about questions I started having about my faith. Those questions have obviously been on my mind on a daily basis, especially after writing that blog.

Recently I started a brand new job that came out of far, far, FAR left field. I work for a tugboat company. What? I know. It's weird and crazy and different and yet I haven't felt this much joy in what I do in awhile. It kind of throws me off sometimes that I'm experiencing so much joy doing this, but I'm not going to complain too much.

Not only have I been discovering joy in my job, but I have also been REdiscovering the joy I felt in this beautiful city, my wonderful community of friends, and slowly the joy I used to feel with God and faith...

After I wrote that initial blog, I thought a lot about what it would mean to give up believing in God. In fact I think I had gotten to the point where I knew what it would feel like to give up believing and not being part of the Christian community. And it's scary to say, but I was almost okay with it. I have been so fed up with so many aspects of the Church and things happening in general that my cynicism took over and I was on the brink of giving up.

3 things happened that started changing that course very quickly:

1. I went to church with a good friend before the holidays. A different church than I have been attending. To be honest it was definitely a more charismatic atmosphere than I am used to so I was slightly apprehensive as I stood there during the service. Towards the end they did an alter call. Again, I froze up a little and started feeling slightly uncomfortable. The friend I went with knew what I had been thinking about at the time and leaned over to pray for me instead. The words he spoke were so wise and full of truth. I felt barriers that I had set up start to fall and slowly let his words sink in. I left that day feeling slightly confused and dazed.

2. The whole rediscovering joy in my surroundings started happening. Not only was I experiencing joy, but I felt myself pouring out love to those around me again instead of the cynicism and doubt I had been full of for awhile.

3. About 2-3 weeks ago, I read this verse in my small group:

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19

Love. I had been so ready to give up my faith in God, but what about the Love- this wide, long, high, and deep love?

I started retracing places in my story that I had felt God's overpowering love and I wondered how I would have come out differently if I hadn't been open to receiving that... I began going back to church and small group more open to receiving that love again and trying to be open to all the diversity of perspectives within the church...

I think I still have some figuring out to do. Until I do, I've decided not to give up quite yet.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."